Common Good, Part 1

Spiritually Speaking

There is a letter I wrote to my mother
when she was quite angry with me.
We did not speak to each other for
several months. It took me several
months to write that letter.

Mom and Dad had found marijuana
in the house. I knew about it, and I
knew which one of my sisters was
using it. I had known for several months.

My sister had confided in me. I had
kept her confidence. I had also given
her a parental lecture about the dangers
of using pot – trying to be understanding
and non-judgmental, but also revealing
my genuine concern for her mental and
physical health.

This was not the first time that Mom and
I had opposing viewpoints. In this case,
she felt that I should have told her as soon
as my sister told me. I felt that my sister's
trust was more important to preserve than
telling my parents. I knew that their reaction
would be punitive. I knew that my sister's
behavior revealed deeper problems. Punishment
would only intensify her self-destructive
behavior. I tried to play therapist and help
her to overcome her adolescent angst and
start to grow up.

I was all of 23 years old. My daughter was
less than a year old. I was happily married
and enjoying being a mother and step-mother.
I remember typing this letter on my old
portable typewriter on a tray table in the
driveway. This way, I could watch my daughter
play while I worked. The letter went
through many drafts. In it, I tried to explain
to my parents what was behind my sister's
behavior. I struggled to find a way to
tell them what was wrong without blaming
them.

They had taken in three foster children after
their three oldest had left home. My two youngest
sisters did not jump for joy when forced to
share their home and their parents' attention
with three needy strangers.

My parents' tack was to demand that peace
and love abound, or else. Negative feelings
were not allowed to be voiced. If voiced,
they were condemned and the person voicing
them punished. Here is where Mom and I
differed in our thinking.

I was naively confident of my parenting skills,
determined not to make the same mistakes
I felt my parents had made. In my letter,
I tried to gently tell Mom that my sisters'
negative feelings toward the foster children
were normal. I suggested that it would be
more helpful to hear those negative feelings,
acknowledge them, and then demand good
behavior no matter what the feelings.

Mom saw the negative feelings themselves
as wrong. I saw them as normal. We did
not agree, and at the time, both of us thought
that the other was totally wrong. It would
be months before we talked it out.

In our reconciliation talk, she showed me
how seriously she took her parenting
responsibilities and how she felt betrayed
by me. She let me know that parenting was
not always going to be the wonderful experience
I was enjoying at that moment.

She finally understood why I had not "tattled"
on my sister when I asked her what she would have
done if her younger sister had come to her with a
confidence. "Would you have gone to your mother?"
She realized that she would not. She would have
kept her sister's confidence and tried to influence
her behavior just as I had done.

We never did come to any agreement on my sisters'
feelings towards the foster children. I still think that
I was right. But she continued to act on her commitment
to raise responsible, loving children. We are all grown
up now - with children and even grandchildren of our own.
We've all had our rough stretches when we tried to escape
the rigid sense of right and wrong which Mom instilled in
each one of us. We all returned to her basic teachings
and sense of values in the end. I would not be writing
this today if her teaching had not been basically sound.

I have just returned from my annual week of study
at Finger Lakes Conference held at Hobart William
Smith College in Geneva, NY. The keynote speaker
was the Rev. Dr. Margaret Guenther, the Associate
Rector for Spiritual Formation at St. Columba's
Episcopal Church in Washington, D.C. The theme
was "Living Prayerfully." Her lectures were simple
and straightforward prescriptions for daily prayer
accompanied by describing the benefits of this spiritual
discipline. At the end of each one, it felt like we had been
hugged by God and reassured that life was good.

The class that I took during this week was Public
Ethics. Our instructor was the Rev. Dr. Peter W.
Peters, Acting Dean of Bexley Hall at the Colgate
Rochester Divinity School in Rochester, NY.
We explored what it means in today's world to
find the "common good." I will be writing more
about this in the weeks to come. Our daily discussions
overwhelmed me with the complexity of today's
world with all the diverse needs of people in
other countries and cultures, and the differences
of opinions that keep us divided.

It took Mom and I months before we could even
speak to each other about a simple family matter –
and we loved each other. How will humanity ever find
a way to world peace, unless those on all sides of
a controversy begin to talk?

Mom and I never did come to any agreement on
some things. We kept the peace because we knew
which topics to avoid and which ones we could
freely share. Our love for each other and for our
family made keeping the peace a priority. Too often
in today's world, one perspective claims a monopoly
on being right, while condemning all those who disagree
as being wrong.

We need to begin conversations – between
Democrats and Republicans, liberals and conservatives,
followers of Christianity and Islam – just to name a
few. We cannot begin to discern what the "common
good" is until we find common ground. We cannot begin
to work towards the "common good" until we hear what
everyone needs – including those who do not see things
the way we do.