Sweating and Shivering

Before this summer's heat hit its stride,
I was determined to save electricity and
brave whatever heat the summer days dished
out without using the air conditioner. Famous
last words. I didn't even make it through the
end of June before I begged for the Trustees
to bring the air conditioner up from the basement
and install it.

Hopefully, by the time we read this in print
the current heat wave will have passed. When
the temperature went over 90 degrees, I was
mighty grateful for the cool breeze streaming
from that beautiful, wonderful air conditioner
in the window.

Our normal body temperature is 98.6 F, give or
take a degree. In this range, w are able to retain
and get rid of just the right amount of heat to keep
us alive, and for the most part quite comfortable.

If we are too hot, our blood vessels expand and
carry the heat to the skin's surface. In other words,
we sweat. Contrary to what all those deodorant
commercials tell us, sweat is a good and desirable
thing. We are getting rid of excess heat and cooling
down – or trying to, at least. The sweat evaporates
and cools us down unless the high humidity prevents
it from happening. If our body fails to cool down,
heat exhaustion could force us to take a trip to the
Emergency Room. If we get severely overheated
and cannot cool down, heatstroke, if untreated, could
kill us.

When we are exposed to cold, our blood vessels contract
and keep heat under our skin to conserve it.
Muscles contracting conserve heat. If we are not
conserving enough heat, we shiver. It is an
involuntary response. It is simply our body doing its
best to keep us warm.

We adjust to variations in temperature because we have
a God-given, built-in thermo-regulatory system. There
are temperature sensors in our skin which enables our skin
cells to respond to changes in temperature without our
having to give it a second thought. If we are hot under the
collar, we sweat. If we are cold as ice, we shiver.

It would have been nice of God to create us with a
built-in thermo-regulatory system for our emotions.
There are sensors in our brain which tell us we are
over reacting or under reacting to any given situation.
We are quite good at ignoring them, denying they are
there or completely misunderstanding what they mean.

Men tend to zoom in to "what needs to be done"
in any given situation and do it. They expect
everyone to be able to focus and act in such a
direct way.

Women, on the other hand, tend to zoom in on
"who's feeling what" and intuitively decide
what needs to be said in any given situation.
They expect everyone to be able to pick up on
feelings and respond with the appropriate
emotional words or actions.

Men tend to compete. Women tend to cooperate
Men can come across as cold and uncaring,
when, in fact, they are being practical and
sensible.

Women can seem to be preoccupied with
warm, fuzzy feelings, when, in fact, they are
being sensitive and intuitive.

Men are expected to be assertive and aggressive.
Women are expected to be pleasing and passive.

I don't think God could have made our potential
for miscommunication potential any more possible
or probable.

When I meet with young couples about to take
their first plunge into marriage, I stress the
differences in the ways we communicate. I also
stress that our differences compliment each other
if we let them. Too often couples think that,
over time, their partner will change their ways.
Men want women to act and react more like them.
Women want men to act and react more like them.
Most often, we blunder through, rarely grasping
that our differences serve different purposes at
different times. Both genders need to learn the
other's language. Everyone needs a basic
respect each differences in the way we react and
communicate as human beings.

Otherwise, the emotional temperature of any
relationship is going to fluctuate too much
for anyone's comfort and/or benefit.

There are times when a man's ability to
"zoom in" on the problem and immediately
see solutions will save the day. (Women
can do this too and many do.) In many
crises situations, lives are lost if we are
overwhelmed by emotions – and saved
when we act quickly and think the emotions
through later.

There are other times when all that someone
needs, is to be heard and held. Women are
generally better at this type of response.
(Men can be too and many are.) When someone
hurts and needs to talk about it, they don't
necessarily want to be fixed. Often what we
need is simply to know that someone hears
how much it hurts and is willing to stay with
us while it hurts, without trying to fix it
and make it better.

Competition can often get things done
faster and more efficiently than cooperation.
Competition pushes us to our limits – makes
us do more than we thought we could.
Competition means someone will know the
thrill of victory. Someone will also know the
sting of defeat.

Cooperation may take longer and be less
efficient but it builds a team spirit that makes
everyone feel like they count. Cooperation
forces us to work together – often with people
we assumed we could not get along with.
Cooperation means everyone shares a sense of
achievement and accomplishment for a job
well done. Likewise, everyone shares the sense
of failure if things don't work out.

We need to learn how to appreciate differences
and not demand that the world always do things
"our way," or see "one way" as right all the time
and the other way as wrong. Both will have
their time to be the "right way."

We do not have a God-given built-in emotional
regulatory system that is as clear and simple
as sweating and shivering. We learn to read our
own signals. Sweating tells us that we are too
hot and need to cool down. Shivering tells us
that we are too cold and need to warm up.
When we lose our temper, someone or something
usually ends up being hurt. If we stop caring all
together, a relationship is all but over.

It takes a lifetime to learn to read our own signals.
It takes commitment and caring to learn to read
someone else's. Keeping our cool emotionally
does not mean letting others walk over us as if we
were a doormat. We must learn to say what we
mean and mean what we say. Staying in the spiritually
normal zone does not mean that we never argue or
disagree. We must agree to disagree agreeably.
Maintaining a normal spiritual/emotional
climate in our relationships will require that we
acknowledge and respect our different ways of
responding. This means learning to recognize
when we are spiritually sweating and/or emotionally
shivering and adjusting our behavior accordingly.