Sympathy and Empathy

July 31, 2006

When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd,
he had compassion on them...
because they were like sheep without a shepherd.
So he began teaching them many things.
Mark 6:34

According to Webster's Dictionary, compassion is
sorrow or pity aroused by the suffering or misfortune
of another. Jesus had more than sorrow or pity for
those people. He understood their feelings from the
inside out. And, based on what he sensed they
needed, he began to teach them things that they
needed to know. For some, there were healing
miracles that transformed their lives. For others
there were lessons given which they were not willing
to learn. For most, Jesus was God's love – a power
beyond comprehension, yet right at their fingertips.

Jesus had the gift of empathy. When one person can
feel another person's feelings as if they were their own,
it is called empathy. This ability is both a blessing
and a curse, as Jesus was finding out. He was sorely
in need of some time off, some quality time out.
Yet everywhere he went, folks followed him
and expected miracles – to be fed like he fed the
five thousand with five loaves and two fish, to be
healed like he did with so many and to be entertained
with hours and hours of teaching stories.

Jesus' ability to understand what people were going
through made it hard for him to stop working. No
matter where he went, there were people who needed
him. His reputation got around and the number of
people who wanted him to help them just kept getting
bigger. No wonder he would seek out a solitary place
to pray – even if it meant getting up at the crack of
dawn and sneaking off without telling anyone.
Whenever we are hurting, we need empathy.
Instinctively, we try to find someone who can
listen – and understand.

Some folks listen, nodding as if they understand, but
we know that they don't. They politely wait until
we are finished rambling. Then they leave – or
change the subject.

Some folks tell us right off that they are too busy
to listen but hope we are feeling better soon. And
they avoid us until they hear we are over the current
crisis. Frequently, when someone gets a diagnosis
of terminal cancer or some other disease, friends
and family stay away. They don't know what to say.
They think they know how the person must feel
which is awful. Those who stay away are most
likely fleeing from their own feelings about death –
and, in the process, failing to be their for their
friend or loved one.

Then, thank God, there is the person who lets us
talk as long as we need to talk, holds our hand or
gives us a hug and says just the right words. We
have no doubt that they understand and they care.
That alone, makes whatever crisis we are facing,
easier to handle.

Sympathy and empathy are used as if they mean
the same thing. Here's my take on the difference.
Empathy means feeling compassion – like Jesus
did – knowing another's feelings from the inside
out. Some people have this gift. Some do not.
Sympathy is a willingness to offer comfort even
though we only understand another's feelings
from what we see on the outside.

Empathy means that we can truly put ourselves
in another person's shoes – or that we have been
where they are and know exactly how the human
soul muddles through a certain situation. With
compassion, empathy walks with the other person
no matter how hard the journey becomes.

Sympathy means that we can see how hard it is
for the other person to walk in their own shoes,
but prefer to keep our distance. Either we know
we do not understand and walk away to let others
who are more qualified help; or we could also be
making a quick getaway – denying our own feelings –
or fears, in the case of death.

If we are offering empathy, we do not
stand on politeness. We do not try to
say the "right" thing. We do not expect
that the crisis at hand has a simple
solution. We do not offer a magical
or miraculous formulas for coping.
We listen. We stand in the circumstances
with our friend no matter how difficult
or painful. We know that sometimes
silence is louder than any words could
be. We know that the hard blows of reality
are complicated and long-term. We offer
no quick fixes.

On the other hand, when we offer sympathy,
we are polite – following age-old protocol
which we have learned from childhood.
We do and say the "right" things. We assure
the other person that we understand and are
there for them. We may or may not mean
it. We may or may not follow through.

I do not know if empathy can be learned.
I was born with it – or have had it as long
as I can remember. I used to think that
everyone had it – and that some chose not
to use it. I think now that some have it
and some do not. Some choose to develop
their empathy – as Jesus did – to help, to
teach, to comfort and console.

Whether we can offer empathy
or sympathy, the world needs
more of both. God was telling us
in Jesus: Never underestimate
the importance of your presence
in this world. Each person is
important. And we are each
important to each other – well,
we are if we live life in a spiritually
meaningful way.

God is telling us in Jesus: Even if
you don't have the 'right' words to
say, don't run away from the "tough
stuff" in your own life – or anyone
else's. Try to walk a mile in another's
shoes. Do your best to understand
what they are going through.

There will be times when neither
sympathy or empathy will help.
There were people that Jesus had to
give up on, too. We need to focus
our healing, helping energies on
those who want it as much as they
need it. Just as some folks offer
sympathy and run, there are some
folks who want neither sympathy
or empathy. They choose to cut
themselves off from help – and no
amount of compassion is going
to change that.

Still in all, we need to look at how
we are responding to the people
in our lives. Are we offering
polite sympathy when they need
a hands-on empathy? Are we
getting in their face with our
empathy, when they truly need
some time alone? Are we cutting
off the sympathy and empathy
our friends are offering – because
we don't want it; or because we
are too stubborn to admit that we
need it.

As human souls, we are fearfully
and wonderfully made. We are
also frightfully complex. God
gave us a lifetime to try to figure
it out. That's all the time we have
to share whatever sympathy or
empathy we find in our hearts.