Sweating and Shivering

Before this summer's heat hit its stride,
I was determined to save electricity and
brave whatever heat the summer days dished
out without using the air conditioner. Famous
last words. I didn't even make it through the
end of June before I begged for the Trustees
to bring the air conditioner up from the basement
and install it.

Hopefully, by the time we read this in print
the current heat wave will have passed. When
the temperature went over 90 degrees, I was
mighty grateful for the cool breeze streaming
from that beautiful, wonderful air conditioner
in the window.

Our normal body temperature is 98.6 F, give or
take a degree. In this range, w are able to retain
and get rid of just the right amount of heat to keep
us alive, and for the most part quite comfortable.

If we are too hot, our blood vessels expand and
carry the heat to the skin's surface. In other words,
we sweat. Contrary to what all those deodorant
commercials tell us, sweat is a good and desirable
thing. We are getting rid of excess heat and cooling
down – or trying to, at least. The sweat evaporates
and cools us down unless the high humidity prevents
it from happening. If our body fails to cool down,
heat exhaustion could force us to take a trip to the
Emergency Room. If we get severely overheated
and cannot cool down, heatstroke, if untreated, could
kill us.

When we are exposed to cold, our blood vessels contract
and keep heat under our skin to conserve it.
Muscles contracting conserve heat. If we are not
conserving enough heat, we shiver. It is an
involuntary response. It is simply our body doing its
best to keep us warm.

We adjust to variations in temperature because we have
a God-given, built-in thermo-regulatory system. There
are temperature sensors in our skin which enables our skin
cells to respond to changes in temperature without our
having to give it a second thought. If we are hot under the
collar, we sweat. If we are cold as ice, we shiver.

It would have been nice of God to create us with a
built-in thermo-regulatory system for our emotions.
There are sensors in our brain which tell us we are
over reacting or under reacting to any given situation.
We are quite good at ignoring them, denying they are
there or completely misunderstanding what they mean.

Men tend to zoom in to "what needs to be done"
in any given situation and do it. They expect
everyone to be able to focus and act in such a
direct way.

Women, on the other hand, tend to zoom in on
"who's feeling what" and intuitively decide
what needs to be said in any given situation.
They expect everyone to be able to pick up on
feelings and respond with the appropriate
emotional words or actions.

Men tend to compete. Women tend to cooperate
Men can come across as cold and uncaring,
when, in fact, they are being practical and
sensible.

Women can seem to be preoccupied with
warm, fuzzy feelings, when, in fact, they are
being sensitive and intuitive.

Men are expected to be assertive and aggressive.
Women are expected to be pleasing and passive.

I don't think God could have made our potential
for miscommunication potential any more possible
or probable.

When I meet with young couples about to take
their first plunge into marriage, I stress the
differences in the ways we communicate. I also
stress that our differences compliment each other
if we let them. Too often couples think that,
over time, their partner will change their ways.
Men want women to act and react more like them.
Women want men to act and react more like them.
Most often, we blunder through, rarely grasping
that our differences serve different purposes at
different times. Both genders need to learn the
other's language. Everyone needs a basic
respect each differences in the way we react and
communicate as human beings.

Otherwise, the emotional temperature of any
relationship is going to fluctuate too much
for anyone's comfort and/or benefit.

There are times when a man's ability to
"zoom in" on the problem and immediately
see solutions will save the day. (Women
can do this too and many do.) In many
crises situations, lives are lost if we are
overwhelmed by emotions – and saved
when we act quickly and think the emotions
through later.

There are other times when all that someone
needs, is to be heard and held. Women are
generally better at this type of response.
(Men can be too and many are.) When someone
hurts and needs to talk about it, they don't
necessarily want to be fixed. Often what we
need is simply to know that someone hears
how much it hurts and is willing to stay with
us while it hurts, without trying to fix it
and make it better.

Competition can often get things done
faster and more efficiently than cooperation.
Competition pushes us to our limits – makes
us do more than we thought we could.
Competition means someone will know the
thrill of victory. Someone will also know the
sting of defeat.

Cooperation may take longer and be less
efficient but it builds a team spirit that makes
everyone feel like they count. Cooperation
forces us to work together – often with people
we assumed we could not get along with.
Cooperation means everyone shares a sense of
achievement and accomplishment for a job
well done. Likewise, everyone shares the sense
of failure if things don't work out.

We need to learn how to appreciate differences
and not demand that the world always do things
"our way," or see "one way" as right all the time
and the other way as wrong. Both will have
their time to be the "right way."

We do not have a God-given built-in emotional
regulatory system that is as clear and simple
as sweating and shivering. We learn to read our
own signals. Sweating tells us that we are too
hot and need to cool down. Shivering tells us
that we are too cold and need to warm up.
When we lose our temper, someone or something
usually ends up being hurt. If we stop caring all
together, a relationship is all but over.

It takes a lifetime to learn to read our own signals.
It takes commitment and caring to learn to read
someone else's. Keeping our cool emotionally
does not mean letting others walk over us as if we
were a doormat. We must learn to say what we
mean and mean what we say. Staying in the spiritually
normal zone does not mean that we never argue or
disagree. We must agree to disagree agreeably.
Maintaining a normal spiritual/emotional
climate in our relationships will require that we
acknowledge and respect our different ways of
responding. This means learning to recognize
when we are spiritually sweating and/or emotionally
shivering and adjusting our behavior accordingly.

Dreaming of a War-proof World

Spiritually Speaking

Extra! Extra! Read all about it! War has
been declared in Pennellville! A full-scale
war is being waged at my house. The enemy
army crept in and caught me by surprise. The
house was completely taken over before I caught
sight of a single enemy combatant. A small
party of guerilla fighters attacked me as I was
going to bed last Wednesday night. War was
immediately and officially declared. The enemy
army was winning.

I have fought this particular army before. I win
some major battles and send their decimated
troops into all out retreat. But they are sneaky
and persistent. They will always be on hand
ready to launch another invasion. I can temporarily
defeat them but victory celebrations are unwarranted.
Constant vigilance is essential.

Living in a state of war is physically exhausting and
spiritually demanding. I am a peacemaker by calling
and by nature. Waging war is work and stirs up
troubling spiritual questions for which I have no
answers. I do not like to kill or destroy. I hate
having to draw up battle plans. I resent the time spent
carrying them out. Nonetheless, I must kill. I must
have an organized plan for destruction. I must
follow through. In war, the basic choice is: kill or
be killed. All things considered, I prefer to stay alive.

There are people around the world who live with this
choice every moment of every day. There are folks
dying daily – some for failing to make this choice,
others because their enemy made the choice more
quickly. For those we call our enemies must make
the same choice: to kill or to be killed. When they
choose life, it means we die.
We’ve reached a milestone in Iraq. We have now
lost over 2500 soldiers. The number of civilian lives
lost is more than ten times that many. We also have
soldiers dying in Afghanistan. A few years back in
Kosovo, neighbors turned on neighbors. They began
to hate and kill each other overnight. More years back
in Rwanda, friends committed atrocities like cutting off
arms and legs – or burning former friends alive. We
tuned into the nightly news and listened as the conflicts
escalated daily and the number of casualties mounted.
There is always somewhere in the world where war
is being waged. Reasonable people have easily become
unruly mobs throughout human history.

For a fortunate few in this world, fighting to the death
will never be part of their reality. Don’t we all dream
of a world where our children will never have to decide
whether to kill or be killed? I suspect that we all have
this dream. I suspect that all the parents in Kosovo and
Rwanda had that dream too. It did not stop them from
hating and hurting in horrible ways.

Our human feelings can turn on a dime. It is hard to
hold out for peace and understanding when all around
are at war. We can easily be swept up into the conflict
and find ourselves doing things more hateful and
hurtful than we ever imagined. Sometimes we are
forced to fight because in our heart of hearts we know
it is the right and noble thing to do. Sometimes we
fight because in our heart of hearts we fear that
standing alone on our principles will get us killed.
Sometimes we fight because our heart gets filled with
a rage for revenge. Hatred overwhelms all love.
Killing seems right and justified.

Soldiers are trained to ignore or repress the troubling
emotions and spiritual questions that killing stirs up.
Their loyalty to God and country and their unit is
equated with being able to kill before being killed.
Heroes and heroines alike swallow their fear of death
and fight to keep themselves and their unit alive.
They have long since answered the question of
whether or not taking a human life is ever justified.
It is. And they are trained and equipped to do it.

Every person who dies in battle leaves a hole in loved
one’s lives and hurt in many hearts. For every body
wounded in battle, there is also a wounded soul. Some
wounds will heal over time. Others will never heal.
wage every war with the hope of winning.

I am now winning the war at my house. The fleas
are losing and dying by the thousands – men, women
and children. I show no mercy. My cat (an indoor
cat so I thought I was safe from these pesky invaders)
has received medical treatment. The enemy can no
longer cause her harm. It has been over a week since
I have been attacked. My wounds will heal. I will
continue to bomb and spray for at least two more
months until I am convinced that the enemy forces
have completely withdrawn. I will not underestimate
their devious ways. They are able to go underground
where they remain undefeated and unnoticed. Let an
unprotected dog or cat walk by and a new invasion
will be launched.

I wish the world’s conflicts could be as easily remedied
as my war with the fleas. I wish those who are dying
each day in conflicts around the world were creatures
as dispensable and disposable as fleas. I wish that
human beings, like fleas, were hard to kill – incredibly
resilient and persistent. From the fleas’ perspective,
they probably wish that human beings were more
tolerant of home invasions and more willing to share
their space on this planet peacefully, without the
need to wage a full-scale war. For my part, however,
I will continue to pray for flea-proof homes and a
war-proof world.

Common Good, Part 1

Spiritually Speaking

There is a letter I wrote to my mother
when she was quite angry with me.
We did not speak to each other for
several months. It took me several
months to write that letter.

Mom and Dad had found marijuana
in the house. I knew about it, and I
knew which one of my sisters was
using it. I had known for several months.

My sister had confided in me. I had
kept her confidence. I had also given
her a parental lecture about the dangers
of using pot – trying to be understanding
and non-judgmental, but also revealing
my genuine concern for her mental and
physical health.

This was not the first time that Mom and
I had opposing viewpoints. In this case,
she felt that I should have told her as soon
as my sister told me. I felt that my sister's
trust was more important to preserve than
telling my parents. I knew that their reaction
would be punitive. I knew that my sister's
behavior revealed deeper problems. Punishment
would only intensify her self-destructive
behavior. I tried to play therapist and help
her to overcome her adolescent angst and
start to grow up.

I was all of 23 years old. My daughter was
less than a year old. I was happily married
and enjoying being a mother and step-mother.
I remember typing this letter on my old
portable typewriter on a tray table in the
driveway. This way, I could watch my daughter
play while I worked. The letter went
through many drafts. In it, I tried to explain
to my parents what was behind my sister's
behavior. I struggled to find a way to
tell them what was wrong without blaming
them.

They had taken in three foster children after
their three oldest had left home. My two youngest
sisters did not jump for joy when forced to
share their home and their parents' attention
with three needy strangers.

My parents' tack was to demand that peace
and love abound, or else. Negative feelings
were not allowed to be voiced. If voiced,
they were condemned and the person voicing
them punished. Here is where Mom and I
differed in our thinking.

I was naively confident of my parenting skills,
determined not to make the same mistakes
I felt my parents had made. In my letter,
I tried to gently tell Mom that my sisters'
negative feelings toward the foster children
were normal. I suggested that it would be
more helpful to hear those negative feelings,
acknowledge them, and then demand good
behavior no matter what the feelings.

Mom saw the negative feelings themselves
as wrong. I saw them as normal. We did
not agree, and at the time, both of us thought
that the other was totally wrong. It would
be months before we talked it out.

In our reconciliation talk, she showed me
how seriously she took her parenting
responsibilities and how she felt betrayed
by me. She let me know that parenting was
not always going to be the wonderful experience
I was enjoying at that moment.

She finally understood why I had not "tattled"
on my sister when I asked her what she would have
done if her younger sister had come to her with a
confidence. "Would you have gone to your mother?"
She realized that she would not. She would have
kept her sister's confidence and tried to influence
her behavior just as I had done.

We never did come to any agreement on my sisters'
feelings towards the foster children. I still think that
I was right. But she continued to act on her commitment
to raise responsible, loving children. We are all grown
up now - with children and even grandchildren of our own.
We've all had our rough stretches when we tried to escape
the rigid sense of right and wrong which Mom instilled in
each one of us. We all returned to her basic teachings
and sense of values in the end. I would not be writing
this today if her teaching had not been basically sound.

I have just returned from my annual week of study
at Finger Lakes Conference held at Hobart William
Smith College in Geneva, NY. The keynote speaker
was the Rev. Dr. Margaret Guenther, the Associate
Rector for Spiritual Formation at St. Columba's
Episcopal Church in Washington, D.C. The theme
was "Living Prayerfully." Her lectures were simple
and straightforward prescriptions for daily prayer
accompanied by describing the benefits of this spiritual
discipline. At the end of each one, it felt like we had been
hugged by God and reassured that life was good.

The class that I took during this week was Public
Ethics. Our instructor was the Rev. Dr. Peter W.
Peters, Acting Dean of Bexley Hall at the Colgate
Rochester Divinity School in Rochester, NY.
We explored what it means in today's world to
find the "common good." I will be writing more
about this in the weeks to come. Our daily discussions
overwhelmed me with the complexity of today's
world with all the diverse needs of people in
other countries and cultures, and the differences
of opinions that keep us divided.

It took Mom and I months before we could even
speak to each other about a simple family matter –
and we loved each other. How will humanity ever find
a way to world peace, unless those on all sides of
a controversy begin to talk?

Mom and I never did come to any agreement on
some things. We kept the peace because we knew
which topics to avoid and which ones we could
freely share. Our love for each other and for our
family made keeping the peace a priority. Too often
in today's world, one perspective claims a monopoly
on being right, while condemning all those who disagree
as being wrong.

We need to begin conversations – between
Democrats and Republicans, liberals and conservatives,
followers of Christianity and Islam – just to name a
few. We cannot begin to discern what the "common
good" is until we find common ground. We cannot begin
to work towards the "common good" until we hear what
everyone needs – including those who do not see things
the way we do.